Marriage is harder than it looks on TV. You know that, or else you wouldn’t be reading an article about how to make it better.
The reality is, there are things you can do to improve your relationship with your spouse. Just like dieting, nothing is accomplished in a day. But small changes consistently applied will help improve most things at which improvement is possible.
An average couple
Let me introduce Bill and Belinda. She works full-time and manages their finances and does most of the cleaning and household maintenance. And Bill works full-time. They have two small children and find parenting while working exhausting. Their house is messy and their diet is poor. Both Bill and Belinda feel frustrated with each other.
Can you imagine that the resentments that might be at play here? Let’s consider ways in which this couple might make their marriage better.
Marriage Tip #1: Give your spouse the benefit of doubt
When you’re angry at someone, their actions appear different to you.
For example, suppose Bill’s major household task is to take out the trash. One day, Belinda has a tough day at work. What’s more, she hasn’t thought about dinner yet and is looking unhappily at a too-empty freezer. The older kid keeps pinching the younger one and there’s a lot of noise. Belinda starts to make dinner, but as she’s working she realizes the trash can is full. What a day. It’s while she’s bagging the trash that Belinda realizes that Bill is in their home office, doing who knows what. He doesn’t care about anything except work.
Rather than allowing her frustration free rein, Belinda could choose to reframe her feelings.
Reframing is a technique taken from psychiatry and cognitive behavioral therapy. It is essentially the mental process of transforming negative thoughts and beliefs into more positive and constructive truisms.
Bill knows that his pet project at work is actually contributing enormously to the company and its core mission. He’s hoping that by doing a great job with a presentation next week, he’ll get a promotion. He feels guilty for not spending more time with the children, but he believes it’s in service to them. Taking out the trash? He forgot.
Both Bill and Belinda’s point of view are understandable. How can Belinda reframe her thoughts to avoid growing angry at her husband?
Bill must be doing something extremely important. He wouldn’t neglect us on purpose.
Don’t be sarcastic about it. Reframing is a simple way to redirect and defuse negative thoughts.
Marriage Tip #2: Say yes to sex – it makes marriage better
One of the perks of marriage is knowing you’ll have someone to have sex with forever. One of the downsides of this is that variety is the spice of life. Everything can get stale and rote, unless intention is applied to changing the pattern.
After marriage, it is common to slow down and have less sex.
If both spouses feel disinterested, or are busy and stressed with other areas of life, re-introducing sex could be MORE stressful than focusing elsewhere.
But if one spouse reaches out to the other – if Bill WANTS to have sex, it’s important for Belinda to put down her knitting and try to get in the mood.
Marriage Tip #3: Would you rather be right or be happy?
Winning an argument is bittersweet, particularly when it’s with your spouse. In particularly heated exchanges, feelings get hurt. We can all grow emotional and allow anger to rule our better instincts.
There comes a point in a fight when you realize the other person will never see it your way. You can allow the argument to continue, growing ever more frustrated. Or you can walk away.
Marriage Tip #4: Remember you are a unit, and all victories and all losses are shared
If you share all your earthly goods with someone, you also share their earthly accomplishments. Very few people married people can fairly say they accomplished it all without the support of their spouse.
Don’t envy your spouse their glory. Share it.
Marriage Tip #5: Realize that you can’t split the burden equally because you both have different strengths
Your spouse is many things, but they’re not great at every last thing that you are. Did you marry your clone? Of course not. Then why do you expect them to work as quickly and as well as you do on the very same things?
You should expect that your marriage will be unequal because it’s impossible to achieve parity when there’s only two of you.
Instead, play to your strengths. Accept that you can’t divide all the labor of life 50/50.
Marriage Tip #6: Pick your fights carefully and focus on the problem
In the course of a day, there are numerous small things that are irritating. When you don’t like someone, even harmless actions they’ve taken or mannerisms can trouble you. If you’re at work, you wouldn’t pick a fight.
At home is another story.
If you’re frustrated at work, and feel overburdened at home, you can start to resent your spouse. And when even their smallest behaviors can irritate you, it’s a setup for an argument.
Most adults know not to fight about everything. Fights are rarely pleasant. But sometimes, a fight about something meaningless – forgetting to go to the bank, or leaving the dishwasher loaded in the morning – can turn into a brawl. One spouse jumps from arguing about the dishes to talking about financial and life decisions made years ago.
For a happy marriage, have few, focused fights. If you’ve already argued about an issue years ago, try not to revisit it when arguing about something else. This takes some self-control, but it prevents small arguments from escalating.
Marriage Tip #7: Divide and conquer divides you
“Why don’t you just go to the store while I take care of the baby?”
Does this sound familiar? Parents often split tasks when they have young children. It’s a matter of efficiency – of course it’s way harder to grocery shop, lift weights, and get your nails done with a baby in your lap.
But if you’re not careful, this very kind and efficient tactic to allow both parents the ability to accomplish life’s wants and needs can quickly take away your sense of unity.
If you don’t do ANYTHING as a family, even if it’s hard, you’re missing a beautiful part of family life. Of course it will be chaotic, and loud, and maybe there will be some yelling. But someday, when the kids are grown, you’ll be glad you did it.
Thanks for reading
